I think I prefer blogspot.com

April 7, 2011

so I am and posting a return link to route anyone from here. back there. in case there is any danger of me writing something again soon….it will be there…not here.

here hare here.

http://www.blogger.com/profile/15236493964707027208

there.

thanks

 

Unforgiven

January 15, 2011

Am I back?

I don’t quite know yet. Where have I been?

Last week I contacted friends I havent seen or heard from in 25 years. We fell out. I hoped 25 years was enough.

It wasnt that I needed to make amends, though I did. It wasn’t that I needed anything settling, though I did. It was because. Quite simply.
It was time.

I knew this because the little town near where I was brought up came to find me. I was nowhere. In the middle of nowhere. When it found me. It said hello. I slept on it. And when I awoke I just knew it was finally time.

I contacted them all. 4 came back. the rest maybe don’t know how to forgive or be forgiven, and probably don’t care to anyway. I don’t mind. For me 25 years was enough, apparently.

I don’t know what those people feel today. Nor what they have felt for the last 25 years. I don’t suppose it matters. in some ways it wasnt even the point. 25 years ago I made some mistakes, some mistakes were made towards me. I left and never returned. Never looked back. Fuck them I thought, if that is how they want to be to me, fuck them all.

It is what we do. Us human beings. Sometimes. To the people we love without knowing.

25 years.

I never thought of it as a big thing. Sometimes you have to let entire lives go. Entire loves. Entire webs we have weaved, emotional ties, care, hope, dreams and worlds. Savagely cut every tie to you,  there really is no other way to address it. It’s hard at first, there are tears, it feels like madness, nostalgic pangs so deep you think you will die, but pretty soon it goes the other way and some kind of frenzy takes you over and you slash and cut and burn with every ounce of your being, like a crazy, blood lust freedom has taken you over, and you run towards or maybe it is away from yourself. Free. Alone. Young. But most of all, Dead.

For the first time , you experience death and understand beyond it lies a freedom so fresh it is an experience very few get to savour. It takes something ruthless in the soul. And then it is done.

There is a long pause. A time of grieving you are barely aware of as such, but catch yourself staring out of windows, distant, mind gone someplace you can’t seem to put a finger on where you are or what is happening but it has a certain peace about it, a quiet lull maybe. Then slowly a new light starts somewhere inside. And soon. What was done, is forgotten. As if it never happened at all.

Almost.

*

I feel the ruthless sheen over my eyes as I recollect it now. I breathe in. Meditate on the feeling for a moment, then, as I should, I let it go. Love returns into my heart. A wasp of pain buzzes there somewhere, lingers barely visible. I feel I want to run, but sit still, observe for it. Then after a moment I grasp it. There it is. The wasp. The sting. There it is. Sit quietly. observing. doing nothing. just watching for the sting, the venom. Soon, if I don’t react, sure enough it dispels. And it is lightness I feel again in my smile.  This is where I have come to be now. Where I used to be you dont want to know. But this. This is healing. This is how you heal. It took a long time for me to learn this. A long time.

25 years.

I didn’t wait for it. but I knew eventually it would come. Most of all. I am glad.

I am glad.

*

Last night I woke alone
I thought I saw you in a dream
but couldn’t remember your face
though your feeling was fresh
and your smell, that perfume
was right there with me. Jesus!
I wanted to cry, but I couldnt.
All I could do was watch the ocean
and try to forgive myself
for making a mistake
I could not ever afford to regret.

*

Without forgiveness life is governed by… an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.  ~Roberto Assagioli

In between

January 14, 2011

The chance to feel beauty meet beauty in the material world, is going.
Even back then I knew this is how it would be, eventually.
An old man fidgets and shakes uncomfortably next to me on the bench as he eats.
I can sense his mind racing in life-earned discomfort.
Long grey hairs burst from his nose and red blotches smatter his sun dried skin.
Two girls, gorgeous, young , barely dressed chatter a little further away.
I fight myself not to steal glances.
At my past.
I am where I knew I would be, eventually.

I am waiting for the train to take me to the ocean.
Somewhere far enough from the city that the static in the air won’t disturb my thoughts to write.
Somewhere slower, where I can expand the moments long enough to observe them and let other, nicer things, back in.
Somewhere peaceful, just to sit, and watch, and remember that this moment in between two worlds is where I am.

Relating

November 23, 2010

Either I am incapable of long term relationships or, I just haven’t found the right one yet.

How do you tell?

The irony

November 12, 2010

Life improves and the writing stops.

Where do we go from here?

October 17, 2010

Long roads, long days and nights.
Deities of the Vajrayana in the mind.
Illusions, delusions, history and the past.
Is it just a dream? Too real, maaan this is waaay too real.
It feels real, I can feel,
is that real?
Stare at Tree until I realise…yea…those monk bastards were right,
it isnt really there, is it.
and yet….
and yet.
Too serious, run home to
stroke the furry wall.
Smile in happiness, brief, but sustainable maybe now.
No caged chicken, me,
but free, to run, crazy, like a fox,
run, rabbit, run.

Fresh footprints in the snow of blog

February 9, 2010

I always love the sensation of beginning, it has an eternal optimism about it. Like dawn light breaking across the ocean, the sparkles of light catch your eye and your heart. Hypnotise your soul, weary from the long drawn night, hours spent fighting through the cold, the dark, the fears and loneliness.

Its a beautiful thing to break free of the thoughts that trap us in circles of tiresome drudgery, tension and pain. To escape for a moment into a sense of hope, into a dream that one day [cue the music] we can make it up and out of here, somehow on to some place good, some place amazing, somewhere peaceful, beautiful, a paradise, nirvana, a heaven maybe, call it what you will.

I am a child of peace, but a creature of war. I am crazy, yet strangely sane.

This is my new blog, my old one lies back there somewhere (censored trust me) floundering like a Vietnam vet that didnt quite make it to the chopper. Freedom was in it’s grasp, but destiny had other ideas. God rest his soul.

I have no crazy expectations, just a truth I carry and may yet get to share, time will tell. All I know is this is a new blog and this, is a new day

Ave!